I struggle to reckon with my own silence, my lack of fight. Zitrick sat back in her chair. I was intolerant of ignorance or injustice. But this was I was bored and arrogant, clamoring for more from better teachers.
The fridge gave me a sense of ownership in the church. I didn't fight; I understood with absolute clarity that I would have no one helping me, that I had held one summer job in a candy store at the beach, that I could never return to high school. The loss was only mine, a private and interior devastation. Taccetta played the small organ softly as I followed my mother and sister to seats up front. I reached for her and pulled her into my arms and kissed her. We called her Goody Welsh, as if her magic had kept her alive since the Salem days. They were angry and reiterated that I must never go outside again. It feels like a murder and is baffling because there is no grave. When Owen attempts to catch the second outlaw the horse theif he almost fails, except the outlaw stops running, too impressed by Owens means of capturing him with a fishing rod and decideds to turn himself in. These various truths sometimes collide with memories I have used to reconstruct the puzzle, but they cannot alter the perfect truth I carry of having been turned out. Of course I believed completely that she was a nearly perfect mother and any trouble I found was born in my own reckless, selfish heart. Finally those pioneers, seeing some crucial and mysterious distinction between themselves and the Congregationalists and Methodists, raised the funds to buy Johnny's house and turn his living room and dining room into a chapel. I had my hands tucked under her shoulder, pinning her down with my weight as she too had her legs crossed over the back of my thighs while my hips and ass went up and down, fucking her hard, when I felt a sudden sharpness rising at the tip of my cock. Cooper—24 kids moving together year after year. The silence made me feel as if I had never been part of their Christian body. My blood flowed through him. Then I got pregnant. She says, "You remember, Meredy. I buried my dick all into that pussy, made her beg for more as I slammed her down hard. I caressed her bum while she wrapped her arms around my neck and grinned at me, rubbing her thigh against my crotch. The scarring is left for the girl, an intense, debilitating wound that weeps for the rest of her life. I was a junior, 16 years old. I tended to be a loner; I had lots of friends, but they knew, I think, that I always reserved some elemental piece of myself. The sense that I had a foreign and threatening force inside me had given way to an intense feeling of connection, of being lost together. When Diane and Pepper and Debbie and John and Stephen stopped speaking to me, when they started to cross the street in tight, hushed groups, when they left Tobey's Rexall, their cherry Cokes unfinished because I walked in—had they been told to steer so clear of me? My stepsister, Molly, was still on her winter vacation from Deerfield Academy.
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